Book: How to Be More Confident With Women
Author: Dilan Jay
1. Tell me about how your identity as a Sri Lankan-American has influenced your work and business as a multi-faceted entrepreneur and entertainer?
I think a little bit of my Sri Lankan heritage influences almost every single decision I make every day. Being born an American but raised in a Sri Lankan household molds you in a very unique way. I had a strong attachment to my culture, especially growing up, when I realized there is nothing else to cling to. I read a lot about my culture and my religion.
I went to Sri Lanka as a kid with my parents almost every year. There were ideals that definitely served me as a boy (and still serve me as a man). But as you grow up, you start drawing your own conclusions about how life should be for you. Your parents teach you what they believe, but life teaches you some new things that you must decide on for yourself.
You naturally start to stray away from the things you’ve been taught that no longer feel true for you. At this point, though, I wouldn’t say that being Sri Lankan has influence over my art and/or businesses anymore. I think doing the right thing and remaining ethical has a greater influence on my everyday decisions.
2. Music has always been a really big part of your life as we can see from your YouTube channel, can you tell me a little bit more about how you came to realize your passion for music and what you wanted to do with it?
Being a musician was definitely an afterthought. In fact, not until recently has any artistic or business endeavor of mine been contrived. It was more like a confluence of events that led to my passion for music and art.
In middle school, I was the “outsider” ─ a scrawny, ill-fitted, curry-eating kid who was NOT the archetype who got invited to the cool kids’ parties. I came from an immigrant family, in which survival was more important than flossing (meaning, my parents always bought the knock-off brands). If that wasn’t enough, I was physically different in color and race than everyone else, which led to a much more difficult time assimilating.
Though all of these cards were stacked against me, I didn’t let them bother me much, because I knew one thing everybody else didn’t know back in middle school: I could dance! I learned to dance at a very young age from my cousins, and I was waiting for the first dance to show off my skills. Come to find out ─ hip-hop wasn’t allowed to be played at my school.
This is when deejaying became the solution to my problem. I thought, “If I can control the music, then I can dance. And if I can dance, the other kids will know just how cool I am,” which is why I began deejaying in the 6th grade. After seeing the great reactions from my friends (and from random crowds later on), I became determined to master the craft. I immersed myself completely and fell in love with music. My relationship with music began at age 12, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs since, but we still love each other very much!
3. You have worked in almost every sector of the Arts Industry: acting, singing, rapping, producing, and even DeeJaying. Tell me about what you have learned from working in all of these fields and how it has shaped you into the man you are today?
I think working within the sub-arts of a main art like music is inevitable. If I’m not mistaken, Dr. Dre was a DJ first, then a producer, then a rapper, then a multi-faceted business mogul. The way I see it, the more you focus on your art, the better you’ll be able to do it ─ which will help others do it, as well. Acting is the same way.
4. You mentioned in one of your YouTube videos, “There are sharks everywhere, and if you put your legs into the wrong area, you're going to get your freaking leg bit off.” What can you tell us about this experience and how it has shaped your decision-making moving forward in your professional life?
This all comes down to whether or not you’ve ever found yourself in a situation you didn’t expect. In this particular case, I’m talking about being cautiously optimistic. Have you lived your life thus far in the metaphorical water, but haven’t yet seen the sharks for yourself? What kinds of lessons has this taught you? That’s what I mean. You must be aware of your surroundings and prepared for the unexpected.
5. What inspired your transition from the arts/music to being an author and dating coach?
This book, like most of my artistic endeavors, was circumstantial. It was sparked organically by a casual conversation I had over lunch more than five years ago. I was sitting with a guy who’d asked me, “How do you walk up to people and just talk with them whenever you feel like it?” To me, it seemed quite natural ─ but then he asked if I could teach him how to do it.
Initially, I didn’t understand what he meant, but it occurred to me that not everyone knows what I know (or, what I’d learned naturally over many years of meeting and interacting with thousands of people across countries and cultures through my music). I pretty much verbalized the whole book to him that day, and thankfully, we recorded the conversation. I then had the recording transcribed and started organizing and expanding on it. That’s how the book and my coaching courses came to be.
6. Tell me about your book, How To Be More Confident With Women. How did it come into fruition, why did you decide to write this now, and where did you find what you call “the right data” for people to follow when searching for their life partners?
I’m releasing this book now because, despite being repeatedly asked by friends to give them my tips for approaching women in the past, I wasn't in the right relationship, myself. It didn't make sense to me to tell men how to be more confident with women and find the girl of their dreams when I wasn’t even really there yet. (I was actually married at the time, so it just didn’t feel like the right look).
When I got a divorce, I thought, “Here we go. I'm single again. Now I must do everything that I wrote in my book ─ and this time, I'm going to meet the right girl, the right way.” By putting my own words to the test, the book became more genuine and meaningful. Since then, I’ve met and fallen in love with someone, so I know this process truly works. What better time than now to help my fellow man after I’ve walked the walk and mastered the talk?
In terms of finding “the right data” ─ I’d play shows for upwards of 5,000 fans at a time. I also starred in two films, and I’ve been in every kind of social setting (including big Hollywood parties, bars, clubs, concerts and other social events on par with living and working within the entertainment industry). The amount of people I’ve met is more than the average person, and I have tested out these teachings time and time again across that large population of beautiful strangers.
7. How does having a life partner help one reach their fullest potential in life?
I think the simplest answer to this question is that humans are innately social creatures. If we lived life alone, forever, we would go crazy. We’ve seen this play out, to a degree, throughout lockdown and quarantine. Life is beautiful, and it’s even more beautiful when you get to share it with someone else.
8. What do you think about dating apps and how do you think it has affected human interactions in the dating world?
I’m not a fan of dating apps. I actually want men off of these apps, because all they do is look at girls’ faces and bodies. “Swiping” seems to be a practice in objectifying women, and doing so alters male notions of reality and what to expect from a woman. This in turn affects the kind of interactions we have within the dating world.
When someone’s expectations are so skewed, it impacts how they respond in social scenarios. I recommend deleting dating apps and seeking out that special someone in the real world through authentic interaction!
9. Elaborate on your methodology for meeting women and how it is better than the standard way people usually approach talking to females?
Over time, I’ve developed seven proven steps that will help men sidestep the games and successfully find a true, life partner. My methodology walks them through how to approach a woman with the right intention and mindset, how to “read the room” and know their environment, as well as how to understand unspoken social cues of when to walk away and when to re-approach (or not).
In my book, I share my secrets about “the importance of three,” and why that third interaction will be the one that often “seals the deal” for meaningfully gaining a girl’s interest, regardless of a guy’s looks or bank account balance. I also explain why diversifying risk through building a network is not just about business – but maximizing your chances of finding the right life partner for you.
I’ve found that this approach is not only better than the other ways men have previously been taught to approach women, but it’s also healthier, more authentic and much more positive. If you don't have the right intentions, I genuinely believe you shouldn’t even bother approaching a woman you are interested in. You need to be right with yourself first and lead your interactions with integrity, healthy humility and respect.
Ideally, you want to spark a non-threatening, honest conversation where you try your best to add value to the person or group you are talking to. If you go into a conversation with a set expectation for how it will end (which is often how men approach women), it’ll never work.
10. What does your online course on “How To Be More Confident With Women” cover that the book does not?
The book is a highly-condensed, broad version of my online course: an eight-week master class completed at your own pace. In the course videos, I walk you through each chapter for about 35-45 minutes, offering you examples of things you should and should not do. I provide actionable exercises, so you can actually start doing the work.
I also offer weekly one-on-one coaching calls, which allows me to dive in much more deeply with you, specifically, and help identify what unique approach would suit you best. Whenever my clients are hitting a snag, they can hop on the phone with me directly, so we can correct whatever is holding them back.
11. What’s your best advice for getting over writer’s block?
I personally haven’t experienced writer’s block just yet, but for those who have, I’d say: if you have valuable, real-life experience that you feel compelled to share with the world, you’ll be able to write with a few roadblocks in the way. This is exactly how my own book came to be!
12. What’s the best book you have read this year so far?
One of the best books I’ve read is Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh.
13. What’s the best advice you have ever received on happiness?
Always stay true to yourself and try your best to avoid any wrong-doings toward yourself or others. “Clean hands” make for a happy life.
14. Do you plan on writing more books in the future?
Absolutely! I love writing and can’t wait to get started on my next book.
Places To Find More From This Author:
Facebook: Dilan Jay
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